This is chaotic and not as organized as I’d like it to be, but I’ll get there one day:)
I used to be the kid who would over analyze everything that happened to her and then make a list of things to do. I’d always try to find a way to change in order to adapt to the changes in my life. Back then, I thought I was weird. The way I carried myself seemed fickle. But now, I crave the mindset I had.
Because as time passed, I kept the over analyzing part of myself but discarded the part that would proactively change the way I thought. I’d sit and asses myself for hours, pointing out every flaw that I could think of, but once I was done, I’d just wallow in it and not do anything about it. I don’t remember when it started, but what should have been a rut that I had to get myself out of, turned into my new way of life. I became an over critical, insecure, self loathing shadow of myself. My solution to this was to chase the child I used to be, but what I should have done was sit down and make changes in how I thought.
As simple as it may seem, taking initiative to bring change in a healthy way isn’t easy for me. I’m used to being my worst abuser. And if that doesn’t change, I don’t think I qualify as a good person. Because at the core of it, I’m accepting that harmful words and actions are okay. But they’re not. If it was directed to anyone else, I wouldn’t hesitate to fight back.
So I’m trying to fight again. I’m not saying that I’ll confront every demon I have starting from today. I’m just saying that I’ll start giving a damn about myself and how I make myself feel. I’ll start trying.
As cheesy as it sounds, what I really want to say is that I’ll try to live again.
Before you think it, yes, I am technically living. But when that means hours of staring at my phone and having no individual thought, I’d call it living on autopilot. And as much as I’d like to be free of all restrictions, giving in to every whim that my brain has is simply not a life I want.
Since I’ve spent years of my life training my brain to enjoy turning off my thoughts, I do not want it to dictate what I do. Because I know that at it’s current state, it will choose the most mindless activities that I can find. I’ve been numbing myself in hopes that the carpet under me would be pulled away and that I would live in a new world where I could start again. I believed that a change in environment was the only way that I could begin to enjoy life.
But I can’t keep living with one foot outside the door. I’ll open a new door when it’s time. Until then, I’ll make the most of what I have.
And if I fail, I’ll just sit down and try again.
Because if I don’t change, if I don’t accept that I can be wrong, my younger self would be disappointed. She used to look at adults and wonder why they were so set in their ways. I have to show her that not every adult is a cranky, over confident, over bearing piece of shit. So, I’ll try and I’ll try again. No matter how cool and freeing not caring sounds like, I’ll always be the girl who cares too much. But this time, I’ll start at myself.
Slightly embarrassed to put this up,