I’m listening to Mulan’s reflection to get in the feels for this one.. Alright never mind, it’s making me laugh. For context, when I was 10 or 11, I asked for a box with a lock to keep my diaries in. It turned out to be a box to dump every little thing that I cherished at the time. So now, I have a box filled with diaries, notes that I used to pass in class, dairy milk wrappers, earrings and a toy blue hippo from a Kinder Joy. (a chocolate that was expensive and came with a tiny ass toy.)
Alright then. Reflection. I should have done this on New Years, but to no ones surprise, I didn’t, so here we are.
I opened up my memory box today and actually read the pages of my diaries. A friend of mine talked about a bucket list she made a couple years ago and I was hoping I had done the same. But my 5th grade diary was just me apologizing for not writing and then scribbling over pages so that I could buy a new book. I was 9 or 10, I don’t know what I was expecting.
The next diary was a little better. I drew my hair and said that I liked it shorter. I guess I’ve always known what I wanted on that front. (I have a pixie cut right now :3) But there was still nothing too deep. I wrote about my family and brushed over the details. I remember not wanting to write down bad things, but now I wish I had. It would have been nice to hear what I thought back then. It might have been easier to heal. I did however mention that my sister sucked, repetitively. I wrote in “codes” to hide details from her but uh, the codes were terrible to say the least. My only true advantage was my shitty handwriting.
Anyway, after I passed the 10s and the pre teens, I started talking about what was important to me. Looking back, things haven’t changed one bit. One thing that I wrote stood out to me the most. I’m shortening it, but it’s essence was that it isn’t bad to derive happiness from helping another person. I wrote that it wasn’t because I was broken, but was a show of humanity, something to be proud of, something the world needed more of. I think I was 17 or 18 when I wrote that. I really should have written dates on everything.
Coming back to Reflection, I’m happy. I think I’ve had the same core values forever. I haven’t followed them all the time, but I guess I can never be 100 percent kind and giving, nor can I be a great listener all the time. But, I can make an effort. I just have to keep accepting that I can be wrong. I don’t want to be one of those adults who think that knowledge begins and ends with what they perceive. (imaginary camera pans to my father)
Making an effort to change is my goal for this year and the next. I no longer think of change as the enemy, but look forward to it. I’m still terrified of endings and goodbyes, but I know that with time, I’ll be fine. Somewhere in that box, I wrote that I’ll take Bangalore my storm. But maybe I’ll take the world by storm.
PS. OOOOHHHH THAT ENDING WAS CHEEEESY. Also, here’s the hippo 🙂