As placements and interviews hover over everyone’s minds, I’ve been thinking of what I’d say if I was asked questions by you. The fierceness with which you value honesty terrifies me now. I can speak my mind to people, stand for my beliefs, but thinking of being confronted by you is too much.
For the past couple of years, I’ve felt like I was running a race. One that you started years ago. I was trying to catch up with you but I never could. And since I barely made time for my own thoughts, I didn’t realize that we could be running different tracks. Or that you could have passed me a baton and I probably forgot about it. Oh I guess I should warn you, your memory is going to get a little hazy. Knowing you, you’d probably say “Just write everything down dumbo, it’ll stay there forever.”
To be honest I don’t know why I didn’t. I guess I was so busy chasing this perfect version of myself that I forgot I existed. I forgot that I mattered. Oh boy. I can imagine you getting all riled up and going off about how I should always put myself first and how I am supposed to be happy now. How enough time has passed and I should have reached there. To the girl you envisioned when you wrote letters to your future self.
But uh, I don’t know if she exists. She has a lot of detours to make up for if she does. So, forgive me for not being all that you thought I would be. I’m trying to imagine a new us that isn’t held down by expectations of her previous self, but is empowered by them.
She’s in the making. And don’t worry, she will definitely watch the next Kung Fu Panda Movie no matter how old she becomes. That part of the deal is non negotiable.
I’ll stay in touch this time.
Your Future Self.
PS. Ammu, I know you expected this to be a lot longer, but I have oil on my face and it is seeping in too much and the last thing I want during a pandemic is to fall sick. Oh and yeah, a pandemics coming:)